lunacy



12
Mar 10

Psst… Creme Yvette

Years of planning.  Research.  Coordination.  Technical hurdles overcome.  Patience.  Impatience.  Close calls.  Near misses.  Adventure.  Pirates.  And finally, now, the culmination of one of the greatest covert operations ever carried out by Souse Report operatives.

Through many trials, the courier known only as “Codename Brownshorts” has at last delivered the secret formula to Souse Report HQ.  His journey was long and fraught with peril.  The unspeakable dangers he faced, the hideous acts of betrayal and perversion he was forced to commit: these are too terrible to recount here.  Let us say instead that he faced these challenges and overcame them, discharging his duty despite losing a leg and, somehow, gaining a testicle.

And now it is here, and the true work begins.  The Souse Report staff must now go into seclusion to perform a thorough evaluation of this fantastic substance.  Stay tuned, however, as additional reports will follow within the next 72 hours, issued from our Undisclosed Location.

Exeunt.



25
Feb 10

The Cavity Search

How does this cocktail make you feel?

You know when you are wandering, bleary-eyed, down a back alley in some godforsaken mid-sized industrial town, trying desperately to remember where you left your car when all of a sudden you feel that terrible urgency in your stomach that presages a bout of nasty projectile vomiting?  You drop to your knees and, one hand braced against the filthy, greasy side of a battered dumpster, you prepare to retch up the thin, burning liquid that is all that you have left to give and you ask yourself, “Why God, why?” as your diaphragm spasms and drool hangs from your lip like a strand of pure liquid despair.  At that exact moment you hear a furtive scrambling in the shadows and look to the side, barely able to turn your head, and you see two giant, fat raccoons fucking.

They notice you and pause and the male turns to look at you with a creepy preternatural intelligence glowing in his eyes.  There is a pause, all is quiet, your stomach clenches but seems to be waiting for something when the raccoon unexpectedly opens his mouth and asks “Hey, you wouldn’t happen to have a copy of Kierkegaard’s ‘Fear and Trembling’ on you, would you?”

Hope.  That’s what this cocktail feels like.  Pure hope.

The Cavity Search
A cocktail created in honor of Senor Amor’s recent humiliating and debilitating sinus surgery.

  • 1 oz. Gin (Plymouth)
  • 1 oz. Green Chartreuse
  • 1/2 oz. Lemon Juice
  • 1/2 oz. Bar Syrup

Shake and strain into chilled cocktail glass rinsed with absinthe.  Garnish with a maraschino cherry.